Starts With Goodbye
by betweentheraindrops
Summary: It's not like he doesn't love John and even Amy on some nearly platonic level. Because he does. He so does. Probably more than he should. RA


A/N: Okay, I know I should be working on something more important like my other Secret Life story still in progress, but I really like how this turned out and I hope you do too.

This is post 2x09. No further spoilers (that I'm aware of). If there is, we're already late into the second season, so that shouldn't be a big deal.

It's all right after that tearful call between Ricky and Amy.

Please read and review! I understand not reviewing because I do that sometimes too. But don't think that I don't see how many hits/visitors I get. Because I do.

My other story _Maybe Someday Love_ only got 5 reviews and it was over 8000 words. It had over 200 hits/visitors. By the way, thank you to those reviewers. I greatly appreciate it.

Sorry... enough of my bitching.

Title from the Carrie Underwood song. Beautiful. And so fitting... right? Didn't realize that until listening to it again.

_I guess it's gonna have to hurt,_

_I guess I'm gonna have to cry,_

_And let go of some things I've loved,_

_To get to the other side_

_I guess it's gonna break me down,_

_Like falling when you try to fly,_

_It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,_

_Starts with goodbye._

He hangs up that night and feels much more like Kevin Trudeau than the father he's supposed to be. Or the father everyone expects him to be. Maybe the father he actually is that hides in the shadows most of everyday. And that makes him feel just, _oh_ _fuck. _

It's not like he doesn't love John and maybe even Amy on some nearly platonic level. Nearly.

Because he does. He _so_ does. Probably more than he should.

And he loves Adrian on some level too and he knows that she deserves more. But he can't help but string her along even though he knows he's breaking her heart every passing day.

Because he's _Ricky Underwood_ and he's a stud and no one expects anything less from him.

He wishes he could change people's viewpoint because dammit, he absolutely _hates _people who always judge him. Who is practically, well, everyone.

And so what if people are afraid of him? He genuinely _likes _it.

It's not like he hates having all these _girlfriends _. He's a guy and he's _not _stupid.

Adrian understands him on levels that makes him question everything. She's a bit clingy at times (aren't they all?) but underneath all those layers of lip gloss, she's got a heart of gold.

And he wishes he could make Amy understand that, so he could continue to have the best of both worlds. But he knows that happiness is always just some fleeting misconception. It never lingers. Especially with him.

----

Too many thoughts. Ugh, just stop.

Her head hurts and she's gotten barely four hours of sleep. It's not even John that's keeping her up. He's actually slept most of the night, only one feeding. But she's still restless. Maybe even more than before.

Ashley's question about who she would marry had an obvious answer. Didn't it?

Amy sighed.

Of course there was. Ben was her future, her destiny.

That's what she continuously told herself.

Why does everyone always say she'll end up with Ricky?

Or maybe the real question is, why does that thought not _thoroughly_ seem repulsive and obscene?

She shakes her head. She hates herself for thinking such thoughts, or _not _thinking such thoughts. And she hates him even more for what he does to her. It's not fair how he can coast through life, dragging everyone along with him.

Her thoughts get so loud in her head, that she's sure everyone can hear her. But they aren't and they don't and Amy's about to drift off to dreamland when John starts whimpering in his crib in the nursery.

Ugh. Thinking at 2am _sucks._

----

Amy wakes up later that morning due to John's oh-so-existent cries.

Breakfast is abnormally quiet and Anne clearly knows that something is up by the way Amy has her head hunched over the newspaper, reading it because she has nothing else to do. And if she did, it wouldn't matter.

She takes a curt shower and doesn't even bother to dry her hair, so it was cascading down her shoulders in waves. And it actually looks nice, were it not for the fact that Amy's looking as lively as the deceased she was reading about in the obituaries.

Her outfit for the day was picked randomly by whatever she saw first. It ended up being a red and black plaid flannel shirt with black skinny jeans. Not bad by any standard and certainly not bad for the guys at Grant. Most of them did a double take when taking her in. She was just too much. _Damn… _

Everyone knew something was up. The girls working at the nursery wondered if she'd always been that sullen. All the teachers noticed her lack of attention.

The next few hours were just a blur. Ben went on and on about nothing in particular (as usual) and Adrian's clinging to Ricky a little more than before (which was _a lot)_.

Next thing she realizes is that it's almost noon and the hour lunch period is about to start.

Amy dials the nursery's number only to find that her phone is dead.

Damn.

Just then, she spots Ricky walking toward his car. Without a second thought, Amy shouts out "HEY!" in his direction. Those walking around her look at her strange, but she just gives them a look that says, 'this isn't the right time'.

Ricky jogs over to her table because of course he heard her. Half the school heard her.

"What's up?" He asks (almost) awkwardly. She _won't _be the one to change him. No way in hell. (Or maybe she already did.)

"Can I use your phone? Mine's dead." Gesturing to the device in his hand.

Ricky hands it over and asks, "Who're ya callin'?"

"The nursery. I wanna know if John's okay."

Ricky nods in understanding just as Amy groans in frustration.

He looks at her quizzically.

"Dial tone."

"Oh"

All he can do is nod. It's all his body will allow.

All of a sudden, a great idea pops out of nowhere. "Well, do you wanna go see him?"

He watches her expression go from excitement to uncertainty to something Ricky couldn't unmask in under two seconds. Her emotions never did cease to amaze him. Damn that girl for being his downfall.

Amy looks up at him from under her dark lashes and he finally takes in her appearance. His eyes do a onceover (like they always do) and he's momentarily speechless.

"What?" Her mouth is agape.

Ricky shakes his head. Now is _so_ not the time for that.

Instead of answering, he just gives her a sidelong glance. "Yeah, we still have an hour left for lunch and we have band after that."

Amy looks around for no apparent reason; just avoiding his piercing gaze.

It was enough to make her weak in the knees.

"Yeah, I guess so." She got up from the table and grabbed her bag.

Ricky watched her graceful movements in wonder and awe.

Next thing he knew, she was standing next to him (a little too close for him to think straight).

Amy looked at him expectantly with a smirk set on her face. He looked away quickly.

_Shit._

Amy walked ahead of him to throw away the core of the apple she had eaten.

Once again, Ricky got a view of her body.

_Damn, _he thought.

Once Amy had thrown away her garbage, she spotted a crumpled up napkin on the ground. So, ever being the environmentalist, she picked it up and threw it away.

Not only did Ricky notice her shirt rising, but he also noticed the henna tattoo by the small or her waist. Ricky's eyes were glued to the Chinese symbol for love.

As soon as he saw it, it was gone, covered up by her red shirt as she stood back up.

She looked over at him. "What?"

Ricky shook his head and walked over to her. "Nothing."

"Ahhh" she said, but smiled as her cheeks turned a deeper shade of red.

Because really, he was _totally _checking her out.

And that's made her feel _good_ for some reason.

They walk over to his car in a comfortable silence.

It's just really _nice, _she thinks.

It's him that breaks the quiet. "So, uh, you still have that?"

Ricky's hand is at the hem of her shirt and dangerously touching her tattoo. His eyes are practically rolling in ecstasy and lust.

"Oh, yeah. You remember that?" She asks as she forcefully moves his hand from her. It's not like she didn't enjoy that feeling. Hell no. She enjoyed it _way_ too much. Too much to be allowed.

He's looking at her, irked that she moved his hand away. Also slightly dumbfounded at her question, because really? How could he forget? "Of course I do."

Amy nods. It certainly was a great day.

----

_The three of them, Ricky, Amy, and John, took a day off of work at the end of summer to go to the tri-state carnival. It had been fun, neither could deny that. The whole day had been a blur of cotton candy and ridiculous rides that John loved. _

_At the end, when they were heading to his car, Amy spotted the henna tattoo stand and insisted they each get one. Ricky rolled his eyes but couldn't very well turn her down. He told her they had to get back before her dad suspected anything was going on between them. Never did he fully trust them together. She smiled that contagious smile before pouting that adorable pout of hers and placing her hands purposefully on his chest. Ricky looked down and got that familiar gleam in his eye that he started sporting ever since summer began. He knew she'd been like this, all flirty and irresistible, all summer. It had been refreshing compared to the raging bitch she'd been before summer and that would be returning at the end of summer. So he nodded and whispered an "okay" in her ear before she instinctively grabbed his hand and jogged with him over to the stand. Ricky was pushing John's stroller with the other hand. When they got there, they noticed their hands were still entwined, so they let go and missed the warmth that they lost._

_Amy chose the Chinese symbol for love and when it was brushed onto her backside, Ricky couldn't very well think straight. Her short denim shorts and baby blue tank top with dark blue bra straps showing were already enough. Adding the showing of her lower back was torture._

_When she was done, she stepped over to the mirror and smiled. She liked what she saw. Amy spotted Ricky looking away from her and playfully smiled as she whispered "nothing you haven't seen before". He inclined his head toward her as he lightly traced the outline around her new tattoo. It made her shiver in a good way._

_So she carefully moved away from him and motioned for him to follow her. He did. Of course._

_Ricky sits down on the chair as Amy leans against a wooden post. She's already told the tattoo 'artist' that he was getting the love symbol as well but on his upper arm._

_He's avoiding Amy's gaze as he tries to figure out what he's feeling. What he felt so very long ago. _

_He knew this really was the start of something no shitingly big and that fact made him scared shitless. Like… no shit._

_But then she shoots him a coy smile that says "someday" underlying its tone and he knows everything will be okay._

_And he smirks back because that's all he can think to do. He's tired of denying it. He knows they're inevitable._

"I can't believe you still have that."

Amy shrugs her shoulders. "What? You still have yours, right?"

She asks it wearily, like she's not sure that day meant as much to him as it did her. Of course not.

They're at his car now, opening their respective doors. He gives her a look that says _"really?" _and she nods and sighs a _"sorry"_ as she gets in.

They're in silence for all of two minutes, just each reminiscing in memories of summer. Their summer.

Late night movies when they couldn't sleep. Long summer days with all the windows up in her house and the air conditioning never off. Running through sprinklers in her backyard as John played in his little kiddie pool.

He's approaching a red light, so he turns toward her and smirks because she was _totally_ thinking the same thing.

Amy spots their neighborhood Dairy Shack and insists he pull over.

Ricky gives her an inquisitive look and she replies with a "What? I'm hungry."

She's got that flirty smile (almost) on her face as she turns the dial on the radio up to some Katy Perry song. He's just keeping his attention between her and the road and he's really rooting for her to make that full transformation back to her old self. He misses her.

Ricky drives up to the window and places their order with an extra large side of fries because he knows she likes stealing his. She gives him this weird look that he's not sure the meaning of, but he spent the whole summer with her, so he's pretty certain he should've known.

Amy just sighs and decides that he'll figure it out soon enough. They get their food pretty damn quick and Amy gestures to her burger in her right hand (her left was holding her cup of this _ridiculously good_ mixture of diet coke and sprite that they discovered at her neighborhood pool) and he gets it. She's wondering how he knew what to get her and he just steals a sip of her soda, leaving the question unanswered.

But she knew his answer anyway.

----

He's pulling into the nursery parking lot and polishing off his burger when Amy's unbuckling herself and tapping her poorly manicured nails on the dashboard. She has this nasty habit of biting her fingernails when she's nervous (which, everyone knew [especially Ricky] was quite often). He hates that he knows so many of the little things about her.

They get out of the car and make their way into the 'facility' as Grace liked to call it. Words like 'building' or 'place' were never used by that girl.

Amy walked past the front desk with more pep in her step than she had before. The girl manning the desk looked at Amy in shock before turning toward him.

"Oh, hey Ricky."

He looked at her sitting in some business type chair and he smirked at her. She was pretty hot.

"Hey, Sarah?" He was _so bad_ with names.

She nodded as she stood up and that's when he saw her whole front. Her stomach was bulging and her feet were swollen. Any interest he had in her immediately dissipated and he literally stepped away.

There were a lot of things that Ricky would do, but leading on a pregnant girl was not one of them.

He made his way over to John's crib and smiled. He ignored Amy's giggles and held John's tiny little hand as a sign of letting it (the matter) go. But her snickering made him turn toward her and silence her with his lips.

She squeaked at first and stood there, not willing to give in to him, but not pulling away either.

Ricky could have sworn he felt her kiss him back.

----

John had gone restless, so Ricky picked him up and brought him over to the play area in the middle of the room. Amy trailed behind them in a sort of daze because she's a girl and _of course _she's gonna try to decode what that kiss meant. So she sat opposite Ricky, with John in the middle and began playing with him in silence. Ricky did the same, but he was eyeing her wearily. Amy looked up at him and smiled a small smile before pretending to play tug-a-war with John.

At that smile, Ricky knew everything would be okay. It was a silent promise to never speak of it and that everything would work out in the end. Which, Ricky was skeptical of, but said nothing of it.

They left after 20 minutes and they both really didn't want to leave because playing with John can actually be fun. And joking with each other that John would be just like his father held more truth in it than any other thing they said.

So it usually took around 15 minutes to get from school to the nursery and vice versa and it took approximately 5 minutes to get lunch, so they had about 5 minutes to get back to school. But they both knew that Sedlack didn't really start practice until about 15 minutes of getting their instruments and waiting for the chit chat to go down, so they really had about 20 minutes to get there.

The ride consisted of memories of summer and humming some instrumental that he taught her how to play on his drums. And he looks over at her and wonders why he still feels her kiss on his lips.

----

Adrian couldn't find him at all during lunch. She figured that he'd be in the band room, releasing some anger from his system because that's what he always did when something was on his mind. She loves that she's the only one that knows that about him. It makes her feel special.

If she was honest with herself, she'd admit that (maybe) Ricky was never hers. And that (maybe) he never wanted to be.

But she's never honest with herself and she likes living in this sort of kind of fantasy. It keeps her sane.

In a perfect world, Amy never would've been born, therefore John never would've been born (she hates that that idea forms in her head) and there would be no lingering feelings and longing looks.

Sometimes she feels so naïve for playing along with Ricky and actually believing that they'll end up together with a family of their own.

Because she's pretty damn sure that that won't happen. Not with Amy living and breathing.

Then there are the days that he'll look into Adrian's eyes and there'll be something in his eyes that maybe quite possibly be love. She's not sure she actually sees it, but it's there and she holds onto that. Because she loves him _so, so_ much that sometimes she can't even think straight.

And she doubts most of the time that he actually feels what he says he feels about her. But that look comes back every once in a while and she believes him.

----

Ricky parks his car and he looks at the time on his phone and thinks _oh, shit _just as Amy runs toward the school doors. Because, no shit, he's already gotten a detention for ditching once this week, another won't make Margaret (or even George) very happy. Like, at all.

So they hurry through the halls and into the band room in under two minutes and if he were being cocky, he would've asked her _whoa, my kiss got you that riled up?_ But he didn't because he'd finally gotten back into her good graces and he didn't want to fuck that up. Again.

Adrian had gotten a hall pass _to go see the nurse _when she saw them running in. She thought she might just fall on to the floor and flood the hall with her tears. It's not like she thought they would do _that _and actually come back to school. But the tears came only from that part of her heart that had always known. And God, she'd been such an idiot about it too.

She hears someone call, "Adrian?"

So she looks up and sees a concerned Ben walking toward her, a hall pass in his hand too. And she _almost _laughs because he's had to see this the whole time too, right? She almost feels bad for him, were it not for the fact that she was feeling sorry for herself right now.

He just sits by her with her head on his shoulder, giving her comfort for something he's not entirely sure about. Sure, he'd noticed that both Ricky and Amy weren't at lunch, but he wasn't too upset about it. He wasn't even sure that he cared. Like, at all. Their relationship was down to ruins anyway, so he figured he'd let fate take its course.

She lifts her head and looks at him and he's just so lanky and skinny that she wants so badly to laugh. But he's looking at her with concern, so she stifles it and twiddles with her fingers (something she _never _does).

"Do you think they'll end up together?" She asks off-handedly and he's caught off guard.

He blinks. "Do you want the truth or do you want me to sugarcoat it?"

She breathes. "The truth, I guess."

Adrian honestly doesn't want to hear it because it'll only reinforce what she already knows and has locked up in her heart.

"Um, I think that they want to fight it like _so badly, _but I think they'll eventually give in."

Adrian's stayed quiet for a few seconds before she breathes, "Yeah, I guess you're right."

She hates that it's true.

----

Mr. Sedlack was drawing a treble clef on the whiteboard at the front when they walked in. Everyone else was caught up in their own conversations, so they didn't pay attention to the two sneaking in. Ricky had to sit by his drums and there was always a seat by him available, so Amy sat there. There was always a seat next to him open because he kind of scared people (especially the freshmen and sophomores), so they tended to sit away from him. He likes that in a weird way, but he's weird, so he doesn't care what everyone says.

Amy's setting up her French horn and shines it up with the microfiber cloth she kept in her case. She's doing it so flawlessly and easily that he's literally in awe of her.

She notices him watching her. "What?"

That's the _third time today _she's caught him staring. Good Lord, does he _like_ her or something?

"Nothing."

And it was a rhetorical question on her part because, really? Did she even want to know the answer?

No. Not at all.

----

Band ends quicker than it started mostly because some of the upperclassmen guys hid Sedlack's sheet notes, so he ended up looking for them the whole class period.

Everyone knew they were hidden behind the painting in his office. Perfect spot.

It was just too funny watching him pacing the school.

In truth, both Amy and Ricky would've been happy if practice had actually commenced. Then they wouldn't have that awkward _should I talk or not? _conversation filled with useless small talk about if he was coming over that night or not.

When they walk out of the band room, Ricky helps her put her instrument back on the shelf and she says _thanks _and he says _you're welcome _like it's the weirdest thing ever.

She's walking toward History after she bids him goodbye and he's supposed to be going to Health to learn how to use a condom (which is completely pointless) and CPR and shit.

But Adrian's walking toward him and he thinks he might be seeing tear stains around her eyes and her mascara is a little smudged, but then again, she's a _badass_ and she _never _cries. So he thinks that he's imagining it.

And she's standing in front of him, _not about to cry, _and all silent, but having that look she always gets when she's about to say something that she thinks is important.

"Look, I know that you and Amy have this connection or whatever, but I'll have you know that I'm not just gonna let you keep using me. It's not fair to me, you, Amy or even Ben. So just get it together or give up because I'm not always gonna be there."

She finishes and gives him a sidelong glance before turning away and rounding the corner. He's literally speechless. Adrian's still got that sway about her and it was good to know because for a moment, he thought she went all sentimental or something. He noticed how she didn't exactly say she was leaving yet, either. Which, made him happy or something. He doesn't know. All he knows is that he really doesn't want to know what she meant because that meant facing up to everything and he just wasn't ready for that yet.

But he does see Amy at the end of the hallway with a hint of a smile grazing her features. That makes him smile back. It was just reassuring, knowing she wasn't mad at him or anything.

As long as they were okay, everything else could wait.

**_-Fin-_**


End file.
